prev on cities next
20 feb 2018
every single one of these streets has memories within it. bits and pieces of me in every crack in the pavement, walls and facades that stood witness to decades of stories. you won't escape me; i'll haunt you through every single street you walk
12 apr 2023
back then i used to think the familiarity of it all was comforting. but after all these years it has become suffocating. no more places to explore, nowhere to hide. i've really exhausted it all. i miss the comfort of getting lost
08 may 2023
you live your life in pre-determined pathways. intersections, streets and crossroads. i know them like the back of my hand. surely i'm bound to run into you sooner or later. you already know i'll be waiting for you
prev on patience next
maybe i've got too much time on my hands
exhibit one. me, thirteen years old, deeply in love with her first girl crush. a friend of mine told me she knew approximately which bus stop she gets off at. harrier, fascinated and lovestruck, goes through every single house in her district. door to door. until she finds where she lives. and then promptly does nothing with that information. and then it happened time and time again until i've grown up to be even more obsessed with gathering information. to love is to know. to dig up dirt from depths you didn't even know existed
9 sep 2022
i live in the what-could-have-beens
the few and the far inbetween
crushing insects in your front yard with my teeth
19 apr 2023
once again playing the waiting game. how many times has it worked out? zero?
4 may 2023
all those hours of waiting just for one fleeting moment. worth it worth it worth it
1 oct 2020
sprained ankles and soles red raw from hours upon hours spent walking on kittystones wandering these halls tiptoeing around your door and searching for you in these apartment block towns / watchful eyes guarding every move so as not to miss even that slightest little chance that i'll see your wiry head of hair poking out from one of these windows / or even your whole presence stepping out for another of your smoke breaks you wouldnt last the day without / while i fantasize about ruining my lungs just to spend those few minutes with you / endlessly hoping that it will take just one more turn of the corner to see you making your way down these sidewalks as i fabricate excuses i'd say for bumping into you / surely if i just stay put for one more minute anytime youll come out of that door and pull me in baring your tiger fangs at me / one more minute one more walk one more corner to turn / surely thats gotta be all it takes
prev on male friendship next
24 apr 2023
carrying myself - at the time of taking this, still unknowingly - to my own suffering
tying myself in knots i won't ever untangle where the only way out is through
30 apr 2024
our last meeting place, was it? i guess i couldn't have asked for a better way to say goodbye
prev on inevitability next
18 apr 2023
the feeling of your sick-skin against mine makes me ill. i tear leaf from stem, rip fern from soil and beg for mercy
10 mar 2023
you show off your wounds -- look, look, you hurt me too. can't you see what you've done?
i swallow down bile and wish i had cut you deeper back then.
16 jun 2023
words stuck in my throat once again. bittersweet hymns, soundtrack to disaster. briefly consider sticking my fingers up my throat. another one of my lies. defense mechanism. put it off again and again and again its the only thing i know
prev on bodies of water next
phoebe bridgers - moon song
you're sick, and you're married, and you might be dying
but you're holding me like water in your hands
when you saw the dead little bird, you started crying
but you know the killer doesn't understand
the daughter's curse (reynolds)
i have killed a little dove / left all lonely and unloved
song of proximate blame (vzjp)
there is a wellspring with blood brimming
and each has drunk from it before
and someone killed a pendulinus
and someone did great harm therefore

and then he felt regret and sorrow
and in his hands cupped water clear
and up against the light he scanned it
and fearing much held back no fear
prev on cat people next
seems like these days we only ever meet in dreams. i wonder if you're doing fine back in your hometown. do you ever think of me?
did you know your fox-laugh echoes across my street at night
i wonder if you know i still dream of you almost every night. is it really you that i dream of, though? the version of you in my dreams is far better. let me mold you into shape. like clay in my hands. you're supposed to be brooding and sensitive and docile, aren't you? i'll make you obey
another fucking chance slipping away
"By any measure this does not seem the most sensible basis for a relationship, and from my considerable experience in these matters, what I can tell you is that an imagined relationship with this guy is going to be a whole lot more fun than the real thing. My advice to you, therefore, is to dream on a little more - this painful dream that fires up your heart, this mad dream that gives your life sudden meaning, this doomed dream that holds the stars in place - dream till the dream finally loses its allure."
nick cave, the red hand files, #218